Feeling Separation from my Heavenly Father
I want to share my testimony. I want to share with you the walks God has taken me on and shown me along the way.
Seven months after my husband and I began dating, we had sex for the first time. After it happened, I felt my heart sink. I felt a huge pit in my stomach.
I can only describe that feeling as total emptiness.
It no longer had anything to do with me and my then-boyfriend at that point, it was solely between me and God (just like everything ultimately is in life). I felt the instant separation from Him and that feeling was the strongest feeling in that moment. I pray I never feel that again in my entire life.
I was too worried about what Luke would say if I said, “we can’t do that again,” so I didn’t listen to God. I ignored Him and chose what was in front of me instead. We in no way tried to avoid the temptation, either. We only fed it.
I wish I had listened to that feeling, but we continued sinning for months, and my heart grew harder because of it. I didn’t feel that intense separation from God anymore because I grew less sensitive to that feeling as I continued to sin. It’s the same as any sin. When you allow it to happen over and over without any feelings of remorse, you literally cut yourself off from God.
In 1 Corinthians 6:9, Saint Paul tells the Corinthians:
Do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived! Fornicators, idolaters, adulterers, male prostitutes, sodomites, thieves, the greedy, drunkards, revilers, robbers – none of these will inherit the kingdom of God.”
He even makes sure to say, “Do not be deceived!” because, in today’s world, we are all deceived that these things are not a big deal, that God could never send anyone to hell because of these things. That our God is a loving God and He could never do that to us.
The truth is He loves us so much that He gave us the gift of free will. He doesn’t send us to hell – we send ourselves. We choose where we ultimately end up.
When we continually fornicate, commit adultery, are greedy, steal, and are drunkards, etc., with absolutely no remorse, we cannot be with God because we chose to not be with Him. He cannot allow us into heaven. Heaven is pure and without sin!
A Dying Relationship
Not only did this continuous sin seriously hurt my relationship with God, but the natural consequences of giving something meant only for marriage took a toll on mine and Luke’s relationship.
After months of committing this sin, I didn’t even want to look at Luke anymore and I didn’t understand what was wrong. This man I used to be head over heels in love with had truly become a stranger to me. We were supposed to feel closer to each other, but instead I felt the furthest away from him that I had ever felt. What was wrong?
I remember driving 11 hours from Pennsylvania to Illinois to visit him once during the summer and when I pulled up to the gate, all I wanted to do was turn around and go home. I was devastated when that feeling came over me. We went to his dorm and succumbed to temptation again, and I felt so sick afterwards that I wanted to throw up. I ran into the bathroom, turned the faucet on, and began sobbing.
This was not the “love” God wanted me to experience! He wanted it to be so much more for me and Luke!
I knew what needed to happen!
I was terrified that Luke would want to leave me if I said no to sex until our wedding night, but I had to tell him. And pray he’d understand.
After that visit, I told him how I felt and that I didn’t want to ruin our relationship any more. That I loved him and didn’t want to break up and for that to happen, we needed to stop immediately and wait until our wedding night.
And we did.
He was accepting, understanding, and agreed.
I believe God blessed and saved our relationship because we were truly sorry and dedicated to not committing that sin again.
The Holy Spirit had been so wonderful to me to open my eyes and reveal to me the evil behind sex before marriage, how it’s reserved to be a holy encounter only, and how Satan twists this holy thing into something used to hurt people and ruin families. Family is something the devil hates, so he loves when sex comes before marriage because it leads to things like broken families, abortions, high rates of broken marriages, lust, pornography, and prostitution… just to name a few.
The Chaos in Sex Before Marriage
When I had sex before marriage, since there were no wedding vows to renew, it was a purely selfish act. What an incredibly upsetting thing that was to come to terms with about myself, but it made complete sense! In having sex before marriage, there was no commitment; he or I could have left any time we wanted; and we were not giving ourselves fruitfully because we were using contraception, so we were not accepting every part of each other. We were rejecting each other’s fertility which meant that instead of saying, “I’m giving myself, totally, freely, fruitfully, completely, and wholly to you, forever,” we were saying, “I’m giving everything to you, except this. I don’t love you enough.” The ultimate goal of marriage is to assist each other in achieving Heaven through constant acts of dying to self and sacrifice for the good of the other. In having sex before marriage, although the lie was told that it was out of love, since it was to the detriment of our souls, the act was out of selfishness because we were leading each other’s souls into serious sin.
Harsh, isn’t it? That’s what I thought, too. But that’s EXACTLY what sex before marriage communicates! It is Truth. And sometimes the truth IS harsh. And uncomfortable. But love should cause us to share it anyway for the good of others.
This is why couples who have sex before marriage, or live together before marriage, have a 50% higher rate of divorce. Natural consequences like these happen when God is not obeyed. Couples who cohabitate or have sex before marriage give the innermost part of themselves, with no commitment, no vows to renew, and withhold fertility from their partner. Many times, to many partners, not just one. And when they are married, it is extremely difficult to shift their mind from that mindset of ungodly sex to God’s plan of giving 100% all the time in a marital embrace.
But I want to tell you there is HOPE! If you honor God in your marriage, are truly sorry for what you did before marriage, and commit to trying to not hurt Him again, you will experience His loving, forgiving arms just as I have. And I can’t tell you how amazing that love feels!
It Is NOT Easy (It’s Not Supposed To Be)!
It takes great sacrifice to enter into the kingdom of God! This is what dying to self means, something mentioned so often in Scripture. (See Ephesians 4:22-24, Luke 9:23, and 1 Peter 4-12, just to name a few). Romans 12:1-2 also says:
I urge you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God, your spiritual worship. Do not conform yourself to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect.”
I’m saying this, my dear readers, because I know. I have been where you have been. I’m sure I’m still where many of you are. It’s difficult. Jesus never said it would be easy to live like Him in this world. He told us we would suffer. But He did promise He would never leave us, and there would be great reward for those who endure the suffering because of His name:
Do not be afraid of anything you are going to suffer. Indeed, the devil will throw some of you into prison, that you may be tested, and you will face an ordeal for ten days. Remain faithful until death, and I will give you the crown of life.” (Rev 2:10)
The good news is Jesus came as the tiny baby boy to save us from these sins and make us a new creation.
So whoever is in Christ, is a new creation: the old things have passed away; behold, new things have come.” (2 Cor 5:17)
The Lord also reminds us in Ezekiel 36:26:
I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.”
When you die to self, when you hand your will over to God’s and ask Him to do what He has planned for you your entire life, you will be made new. He will delight in this invitation! All the old things will pass away and you will be a brand new creation! Honoring God is the ultimate joy! This is how you know when you’ve found a true follower of Christ. That person will find joy even through the sufferings and glorify God no matter what they’re facing. Their praises to him will never cease! It’s because they see the real picture.
God says He is the God of the living, not of the dead (Luke 20:38). If you make this loving God the Lord of your life, you will become an adopted child of God; you will join the living! You will receive the crown of life!
How Does God Want You to Honor Him Within Your Marriage?
My husband recently told me about a guy at his work who found out that we don’t use any form of contraception. True story, after Luke said, “no contraception” the young man asked, “… so…. like… not even condoms?”
My hands hit my face when I heard that one.
I also met with a brand-new OB/GYN less than a month ago for my annual exam and she asked me where I have my prescriptions sent to and I told her, and that was it. I kept thinking, no birth control pushing? No natural family planning bashing? No laughing in my face? I had grown so used to those things, I was prepared this time.
Then she called me when I was still in the parking lot and said, “What is the name of your pill? I’m sorry, I thought I’d find it when I sent the script to the pharmacy, but it’s not there.”
AHHHHH here it comes…!
I said, “Oh, I don’t use the pill – we use natural family planning.”
“Oh! Okay. Well never mind then.”
It was nice to not get the 3rd degree on having 4 children and not being on the pill, but I was shocked that contraception has become so normal, that doctors now just assume. (That new OB was AMAZING by the way!)
It made me realize that what we are practicing now is extremely foreign to this post-Christian culture and it’s really sad. My heart breaks for the relationships that will never be and the marriages that may suffer or will not make it because of the ignorance of this topic.
I want to talk about this not to make anyone feel bad, but to speak life into your marriage!
I want to beg you to allow Jesus to bring the healing to your soul that He died on the Cross for! I know I am going to offend many people as I write this. I have felt that this was too personal a topic to write about and I kept pushing my desire to share it to the bottom of my list. But the more good news I learn, the harder it is to keep it to myself!
God is patient. But He’s also persistent.
Some of you reading this may not even know that there is another way to plan families other than chemical or physical birth control. You may have had your sister, your friend, your mother, your grandmother, your doctor, or even your husband tell you that birth control is what you need to do. Or maybe your husband wants a vasectomy, but you are hesitant. Or maybe you want to stop the pill or take the IUD out, but you’re terrified of getting pregnant… again!
The only reason I feel like I can talk to you about this is because I can relate to many of you. It’s extremely difficult to allow God to be in control; especially in control of that! He knows we struggle with stepping down and allowing Him to take over the throne of our hearts and bodies. That is why He specifically tells us to trust in Him. Proverbs 3:5-7 says:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”
Absolutely beautiful things happen when you allow God to take control!
Marriages are restored, families are saved, mercy is poured all over you. God can restore marriages in a moment! All it takes is submitting your own will to His.
Beautiful tiny lives are also created when God is in control. One moment they are not there and the next, a brand new soul comes into existence. An eternal life we are responsible for. Children are an incredibly beautiful blessing God gives us and entrusts to us to lead them to heaven. Just as God created you because He DESIRED you to exist, He also created and DESIRES your children to exist and love Him as much as He loves them.
The good news is that God’s way is always the best way and the way most full of pure and perfect love! It’s beautiful news!
The way we function and thrive and find joy is by living within God’s boundaries for us. Just like a basketball game ends when the ball goes out of bounds, there are consequences when God’s rules are not followed as well. His rules are there because He is a loving God and His plan is always best.
Living within His boundaries keeps us in the game that ultimately leads to Heaven.
*In case you missed part 1 in this series, you can find that here.
**Subscribe below to stay up to date with the final part of this series about my (honest) testimony with Natural Family Planning, coming out next week.
You can find this post on the Salt & Light Link Up.