Do you allow your voice to overwhelm Jesus’? Do you allow the enemy to whisper lie after lie to you which causes you to believe them? Do you tend to take control instead of allowing the only One who does have control to take over? Your Savior is standing right next to you! Allow Him to take over your own voice of doubt.
Jesus is so close to you. He’s dying for an intimate relationship with you. He’s dying for you to run into His arms when everything in your life seems to be too much. He DID die for this! He’s knocking but you haven’t opened the door yet. In Revelation 3:20, Jesus is telling us,
Listen! I am standing at the door, knocking; if you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in to you and eat with you, and you with me.
Have you ever seen images of this verse? Google “Jesus knocking on door” and you’ll see some of the images of Jesus knocking on a door, but if you look closely enough, you will notice there is no doorknob on the outside, only the inside. Jesus cannot force Himself on you, He wants you to open the door for yourself. But if you do, you life will never be the same. If you allow Jesus into your home and your heart, you will have the One person who’s lived through your sufferings but who can also CONQUER those sufferings! He wants you to surrender to Him, to allow yourself to collapse in His arms when it seems too much.
He wants to hold you.
It’s Just Too Much
I was overwhelmed a couple of days ago by motherhood. I know, who isn’t overwhelmed by motherhood? But I felt a deeper despair than ever before and I thought I had reached my breaking point. My husband has been working long hours for us to able to afford rent, bills, and food for our family of six. (Thank you, Lord, that we ARE able to afford these things!) So I’m alone with the four boys A LOT. And Luke is deploying again in the future, and for some reason that thought made me snap emotionally and mentally. My mind began flooding with worries louder than ever before.
How am I going to do this?
I can’t take them to church alone all the time, they never listen to me and don’t respect me.
I’m so tired of going to family events without him, I feel like a single mom some days.
When can we take walks in the park as a family again?
How on earth am I going to do this with him gone AGAIN for 6 months if I’m barely hanging on now?
How am I going to raise 4 men who love God when I can’t even be an example of that myself? My impatience takes over too often. It’s like my default mode that I cannot overcome no matter how hard I try.
I texted Luke telling him I needed a break, that I’m so tired of people telling me I’m a great mom when I feel like the complete opposite. I struggle immensely with impatience.
Terribly immensely. If that’s even grammatically correct.
I worry every day how much I’m ruining my children. Tears blurred my eyes as I poured out my worries and frustrations into this text.
He came home from work and told me I need to be stronger.
If only you knew how much I fight with myself over this and try anew every day. If only you knew the constant battle going on in my head telling myself that exact same thing.
“You need to meditate more, calm your mind.”
I so badly wish you could just tell me to pray, to even use the word “pray”, to talk to God, to grab my hand and pray with me and for me.
He asked how he could be comfortable leaving on a deployment when I say things like that.
Good question, I thought. I have no idea.
Collapsing in Jesus’ Arms
I was angry at myself. For constantly failing at being a patient mother and constantly failing at being a strong, reliable wife. I told Luke I needed to go to church at the 8 PM Mass since I skipped it in the morning since the baby wouldn’t stop screeching. I couldn’t do it alone, I didn’t have the strength in me that day.
I left early, without kissing my boys goodnight or my husband goodbye. I didn’t even have that strength in me. I was so immersed in my own thoughts of failure that I isolated myself.
On the way to church, I bawled my eyes out and prayed my heart out.
Jesus, please comfort me. I need peace. I so badly wish I could just run into Your arms right now and have You hold me while I cry. I need to feel that, to feel You. I want You to tell me how to make this all better. Tell me how to be a better wife and a better mother. Why am I not good at this? Why do I struggle so much with this? Please talk to me, Lord. I need to hear You right now.
I cried out to Jesus the entire 30-minute drive to church.
Feeling His Peace and Love
I went into the adoration chapel because I just knew I needed to be with Him before Mass began. I sat there for another 30 minutes and felt peace finally overcome me. The tears finally stopped, my mind finally calmed down. I didn’t want to leave Him.
Then I went to into Church for the evening Mass. It was the Life Teen Mass so the music was even more upbeat than at my beloved 11 AM family Mass. There were drums and even more contemporary Christian songs than usual. Again, I felt Him immediately.
Then in the first reading, it read in Isaiah 25:8:
The Lord God will wipe away the tears from every face.
Oh boy, here come the waterworks again.
When it came time for the homily, our pastor started talking about how his mother is very sick in the hospital and how he had the worst week in his entire life, thinking she wasn’t going to make it. He said amidst the craziness, he went to a donut shop and got a coffee and a pastry. The lady behind the counter asked him how he was and he told us that with everything going on, he still managed to say, “Blessed.” And the lady said, “Every day is a blessed day.” He said he almost started crying.
He then proceeded to tell us that no matter how rough life gets, no matter how awful things seem, that there are always blessings in the middle of it! And that Jesus desires such intimacy with us that He said He wants to wipe away our tears.
O, my Lord, you heard me!
I almost started crying again when our pastor said this. I was overwhelmed. The Holy Spirit was comforting me just as I had prayed so hard for.
That comforting image I had while crying and driving to church of me running into my Savior’s arms and Him holding me close actually happened.
This was Him telling me He held me!
Some Loving Direction
Then I woke up the next morning to a devotion in my inbox from Blessed Is She and immediately it made me feel like someone heard my conversation in the car with Jesus the day before.
The writer for that day began the devotion with talking about how her three year old was being incredibly demanding and completely impeding on her “me” time. How she huffed her way upstairs putting him back to bed for the millionth time.
It’s like I wrote this myself, I thought.
I’m going to quote the last part because it’s just so good. You can read the entire devotion here.
Where is Jesus’ voice in all this self-righteousness? Do I leave room for Him or am I overwhelmed by my own voice. The voice of frustration, the voice of exhaustion, the voice of the one who knows it all. Let’s not harden our hearts to the tune of our own voices. Let’s let His voice fill us and soften up a bit.
Did you just read that the same way I did?? Yes! That is me! Those were words I so desperately needed to hear! My voice is incredibly overwhelming. I finally realized this by this beautiful devotion and most definitely the Holy Spirit again! That I need to calm my own voice (dare I say my husband got that part right?) and allow my Savior’s Voice to overcome my doubts. My mountain of doubts.
Jesus calmed my fears and wiped my tears the night before, and the next morning, He gently and lovingly told me how to make things better. I can’t even find words to describe how I feel as I realize this and how amazing our God is. And how loving He is!
This doesn’t mean I’m able to change overnight, although how amazing would that be (hint, hint, Jesus :D)? I honestly believe impatience is the cross I am meant to bear my entire life because it is a massive struggle for me and causes suffering for me daily. But I DO know that it is He who strengthens me! In Him, I can do anything. I CAN overcome impatience little by little because it is His will and He wants me to overcome it more than I want to. He doesn’t want me to feel lonely either in this precious season of motherhood. He wants me to be able to take a step back and view it the way He does, through His eyes, with a smile and thankfulness in my heart as I watch my 4 beautiful boys grow up together happy and healthy.
Oh how blessed I have been! More than I could ever deserve!
If Today… Would You Open the Door?
If today you hear His voice, harden not your hearts. – Pslam 95:8
My Lord and my God, forgive me for hardening my heart for so long! I heard Your voice and I’m so ready to receive that message now. Thank you so much for holding me as I cried and loving me enough to respond to those cries. You are too good to me! Always too good to me. Thank you, Lord! Help me to see myself the way you see me and to be patient with myself as I try to address those imperfections.
If today you hear your Lord’s voice as He knocks on your door, will you harden your heart? Or are you ready to listen and open the door? I pray so very hard, my dear reader, that you will listen because if you do, you will not be disappointed. You will never be disappointed from here on out by His loving response. His response that ALWAYS says:
I love you.
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